Author: Liza C. Title: Tired Summary:  A post-ep for No Exit, what might have happened if Donna had stayed rather than walking away "Donna!" His bellow could be heard through the entire West Wing.  "Donna!" Totally unresponsive, she sat in the bullpen staring straight in front of her.  She was mad.  She was mad at CJ, she was mad at Josh, but mostly she was mad at herself… because CJ was right.  She stayed because of Josh.  She didn't date or have sex because of Josh.  It was true.  She could think of nothing that would defend or justify it and make it not true.  For years she'd put her whole life in his hands… and in the process had taken care of his life instead of her own. It wasn't something she'd done consciously.  It was a given that she didn't want to leave Josh, but she never allowed herself to think about why.  In the same way she didn't think about why she didn’t want to date.  Like tonight, she'd rather stay with Josh than go have drinks with some other guy, even if it meant coming back to work.  Wasn't it a good thing to be devoted to your job… to your boss? She felt humiliated, exposed, but mostly horrified… CJ knew.  And if CJ knew that meant other people knew too.  The whole White House was probably aware of how she felt about her boss.   How she would pathetically sacrifice everything for him.  In the past she might have tried to comfort herself by saying other people didn't get it.  They didn't get Josh and Donna.  They didn't understand their dynamic.  But maybe it was Donna who didn't understand.  Who were they?  Were they boss and assistant… or friends… were they more? It came down to choices and what she wanted.  What did she want?  Deep down she knew… had always known… had always held out hope.  But her hopes were fading; she was beginning to think that she couldn’t have what she wanted.  Five and a half years in the White House and it hadn't happened yet.  Five and a half years of taking the professional, because she couldn't have the personal.  Five and a half years seemed to suggest that it wasn't going to happen and obviously CJ didn't seem to think it would happen either. How had she let it get this far?  Again?  Her entire life revolved around a man.  She had to make a change.   She knew it as truth… and that made her absolutely sick. "Donna," He was behind her now and speaking in a normal decibel level, "Didn't you hear me calling for you?" Slowly she turned around in her chair to face him.  She just nodded slowly at him, her stomach in knots. "Then why didn't you come?"  He didn't wait for an answer and if he noticed her mood he showed no sign of it, "I'm so sick of these false alarms.  They've got to do something about it.  We can't be trapped in here every time an indicator malfunctions."  He looked at her and smirked, "But that Commander Harper is a real ball of fire." When that failed to illicit the desired response or any response at all for that matter, he stared at her intently, "What's wrong?" "Tired." He continued, "Apparently my joke hit a little too close to home, that's why it was cut."  He tried to meet her eyes but she wouldn't look at him.  "Seriously, are you sick or something?" "I'm tired."  She repeated. "Yes you said… okay then go home."  He started to walk away but turned back, "Are you okay getting-" "I'm tired of this."  She cut him off raising her voice slightly. "Of what?"  He asked warily, walking back over.  Finally he was getting a clear read on her mood. "Why did you tell me I'd be reporting back to you and Toby on what happens on the Codel?" "What?" "I'm on the press detail."  She stated it as a matter of fact. "This is an opportunity for you."  He knew he was going to have to have this conversation with her, but he didn't want to… hadn't wanted it earlier on the phone, didn't want it now. "An opportunity to make copies and distribute them in the Middle East instead of here, which is fine… I'll take it, but why did you lie to me." "Donna…"  He sighed. "Why, Josh?" "I do want you to report back to me." "But you made it sound-" "What do you want from me?"  He interrupted raising his voice. "I can't believe you misled me in the same breath that you lamented making promises you couldn't keep, what I want is the truth." "The truth is I went out of my way to get you on the Codel, and it's going to be very inconvenient for me so a little appreciation-" "Inconvenient?" She interrupted. He stopped and looked at her, "Yes, it's going to be inconvenient not having you here."   "Hmm… I guess while I'm gone you'll have to walk the 15 feet from here to CJ's office to deliver the fishing rod yourself.  That IS inconvenient." "Donna," He rolled his eyes, "You're my assistant, you assist me… that is what you do.  If you're not happy-" "I'm not happy."  She interjected quietly, looking past him.   "Then get another job."  He was angry now. She nodded sadly. "Right, okay as my boss, someone who is interested in my professional development… should I look here or somewhere else?" "Donna, I didn't mean…"  At one time she would have been gratified to see the fear she now saw in his eyes. "I don't… I don't want you to leave me." "That is becoming evident…  I wouldn't be leaving you.   I'd be leaving the job." "Same difference." "No, it's not, Josh, and that's the problem." "I am the job… and I need you."  He was sounding desperate now. "I know you do."  She gave him a weak smile, "But right now this is about what I need." He threw his hands in the air, "What do you want me to say?  I'll say it." Standing up she grabbed her coat and purse before turning to stare at him.  She searched his face for several interminable moments and almost faltered when she saw his apprehension. "What I want you to say…"  She trailed off and then shook her head as if to shake off the thought. "Josh, this isn't working for me anymore."  She gave him a half smile and then simply walked away. He stared after her, his mouth gapping as he watched her disappear down the hall.  His mind raced and the acid churned in his stomach. What in the hell just happened?  Not an hour ago they'd been two people looking good in formal wear, laughing and joking.  And now she was going to leave him. Fact was he'd spent his entire adulthood trying to avoid loss and now it hit him, once again, that he had no control over it.  That no matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried to hang on to something, he was going to lose what was most important to him. He'd felt her restlessness, usually he tried to ignore it until it came to a head and he couldn’t disregard it anymore.  Without a doubt there had been more moments of tension between the two of them lately, then there'd been during the entire time they'd been working together.  Obviously, he knew that that wasn't a good sign, but he hadn't realized it was this serious.  He felt like he'd been hit by something beyond his control… run over by a train he didn't known was coming. What had she meant, it wasn't working for her anymore? What in the hell did that mean?  What exactly wasn't working for her?  Her job? Her life?  Working for him?   Had she just quit?  His mind raced but didn't come up with any answers. Josh wasn't aware of how long he stood there staring at her desk.  It might have been five minutes… it might have been fifty.  Lost in thought, he was oblivious to the people who occasionally moved through the bullpen removing all evidence of the earlier lock down. "Oh Josh," CJ stopped short when she spotted him on her way out of the building. "You're still here." Still in his own world, he didn't turn around. "Josh?"  She said louder. "Hmm."  He finally looked over, "Oh… CJ… I didn't see you… what are you still doing here?" "I was just-" "Weren't you supposed to be on your way to the wilderness… with what's his name?"  He interrupted. "Ben?" "So?"  He turned to face her now. "Cancelled it." "Oh…why?" She looked at him like he was crazy. "We were just crashed.  Remember, I talked to you, you were stuck with the new NSA deputy." Yeah."  Josh looked distractedly back over his shoulder as if he was hoping someone would appear. "What's wrong with you?" She asked taking note of his preoccupied demeanor.  He was still wearing his tux, save for the bowtie, but his face was pale and expressionless. "Huh?"  He turned to her clearly not listening. "You… what's wrong with you?  Why are you so distracted?  Who are you looking for?" He looked around once again, "Um… nothing… we… I just… I had… Donna..."  His speech was jumbled and he was making no sense.  Except to CJ, to her, he made perfect sense. "Ohhhh…"  She said it with a slow nod like she was finally gaining insight to a long posed question. "You talked to Donna?" "Yeah."  He looked away from her and back down the hall at the place he'd last seen her. "What did she say?" "I think… I'm not sure… she might be leaving." "Oh."  This time she said it with surprise.   He turned to face her, finally snapping out of his haze.   He eyed her with a puzzled expression, then it began to click and he went directly from confused to suspicious, "Wait… you were locked in your office with Donna during the crash…" CJ glanced down before meeting his questioning gaze with assurance, "Yes." He advanced on her, his face no longer pale, his voice taunt. "So… tonight I came back from the Correspondents dinner with a very happy, cheerful Donna… then she's locked in a room with you for 45 minutes and now..." "What?"  CJ raised an eyebrow at him. "She's not so happy anymore." CJ shrugged, but didn't meet his eye.   "CJ…"  His tone held a warning.   She looked up, confident she hadn't done anything wrong.  Trouble was she was pretty sure Josh wasn't going to see it that way, "What?" "WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU SAY TO HER!?"   CJ flinched, backed up two steps and looked around to see if anyone else had seen his outburst. "Josh, why don’t you take it down about ten notches?  It may be late but we're still in the White House." "I don't give a damn where we are!  What did you say to her?!"  He was still loud but no longer yelling CJ pointed to his office, "In there." He didn't move, his face now the color of an under ripe tomato, "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me-" "Josh, get in the damn office and we'll talk about it."   She said it firmly leaving no room for debate. He walked in and immediately started to pace in back of his desk.  When she closed the door behind her, he watched her expectantly.  The easy friendliness that was usually between them had vanished. "Donna and I did… talk."  CJ realized she'd probably been too blunt with Donna.   But Donna needed to realize that she was putting her life on hold for a man that was never going give her what she needed. "About what?" "None of your business." "You brought me in here to tell me it's none of my business?" "Yes." "WHY!?"  His voice was raised to just one notch above a bellow. "So when you shouted again we would be in here and not making a scene in the middle of the bullpen." "CJ, so help me God, right now, I'm hanging on by a very short, very frayed rope." "Then tell me what's going on.  What did she say to you?"  CJ asked with perfect calm. "She's unhappy with her job; I think she may have quit."  He sounded defeated as he leaned against the wall. "Quit?" She looked stunned.  "She quit?" "Well she didn't give me her notice, but her intent was pretty clear." She shook her head and in so doing tried to shake off the guilt she felt creeping up on her.  It wasn't her fault if Donna had done something rash.  In any case, sometimes you needed a push to act in your own best interest. "If Donna is upset, it's your own fault.  You're the one who lied to her… told her she was going to the Codel to report back to you and Toby." "Yes, I did tell her that.  What in the hell did you tell her!?"  Josh glared at her through narrowed eyes and rested his hands on his hips. CJ met his glare with her own, "The truth!  That you sold her a bill of goods, that it would be Fitz reporting back to you and Toby and that she would be on press detail." "I'm gonna say something that shouldn't be a surprise to you CJ, but sometimes you're not in the loop.  You don't know what I know."  His tone was steely. "I know you took the one and only White House slot on this Codel away from one of my Assistant Press Secretaries and gave it to Donna, I'm guessing to placate her." "Is that what this is about?  I bumped one of your staffers for one of my staffers?  Well guess what, I can do that.  Deal with it.  Do you not want Donna to have this opportunity?" "What opportunity?"  She looked incredulous. "What opportunity?! Going to the Middle East as part of a Congressional Delegation."   "You're kidding yourself Josh. She wants to do more; you don't want to lose your assistant so you throw her a meaningless bone-" "Meaningless bone?  Have you gotten so high and mighty that you can't imagine that being on a high profile trip to the Middle East would be an exciting thing for Donna?   And you just said it yourself; the White House has one slot.  Toby and I discussed it we thought it would be a good idea to send someone we trusted who could let the two of us know what's going on directly."  He turned away from her, "Why am I even talking about this with you?  It's none of your damn business." "You're right.   It's none of my business.  Trust me; I don't want it to be my business."  CJ sounded tired. He turned on her. "You made it your business when you convinced Donna that this Codel is beneath her and now she wants to leave me." "Her wanting to leave isn't all about the Codel, Josh.  It's about her wanting more and you holding her back." "Holding her back?"  He threw his hands in the air, the concept obviously not resonating with him at all.   "She takes meetings for me; she's my representative in any number of high-level situations… She is the most trusted member of my staff, my go-to person on everything.   She has more responsibility than any other Senior Assistant in the building." "Exactly." "What?" He eyed her suspiciously, surprised to hear her agreeing with him. "She's had the responsibility and she's proven herself.   Why hasn't she moved up?  She is way past answering your phones and setting your schedule." "Did you not hear me? That's not all she does!" CJ shook her head at him, "I understand, it's perfectly natural, you don't want to lose your loyal hard-working assistant who is devoted to you… too devoted to you."   "What is that supposed to mean?"  He asked much more quietly, but with a dangerous edge still in his voice. "It's supposed to mean that… that her relationship with you is unhealthy.  Her entire life is structured so that you are her central focus."  CJ was trying to make him understand without talking out of turn.   "That's not true…" "Think about why she came back here with you tonight."   CJ challenged. "Why wouldn't she come back here?"  He said it like the thought of someone not wanting to return to work made them a candidate for a nice long stay in a sanitarium. "Oh, I don't know, to go home, have a life outside this place… get a drink with that reporter that asked her out." "What reporter?!"  He asked sharply. "The new one from the Post-Intelligencer." "This is about some gomer?!  She could have gone with him, it would have been fine."  However, the high pitch of his voice suggested that it would've been anything but fine.    "Would it?  Because she doesn’t date, she doesn’t go out, she-" He cut her off, "She does too; she dates all the time.  I had to suffer her relationship with Commander Wonderful for two months." "Commander Wonderful?"  CJ looked at him with confusion for a moment, "Are you referring to Jack Reese?"  He just looked back at her, "She dated him over a year ago, Josh. And do you even listen to yourself.   What do you mean you had to suffer her relationship?" "I mean…"  He had no where to go, so he switched back to the offensive. "I just… I can't believe you would interfere in our lives." "It's not "your lives," Josh.  There's Josh's life and there's Donna's life.  You're not a couple!  She works for you, technically from 8am-6pm, 5 days a week.  Other than that you have no other claim on her." Josh looked like he'd been slapped.  "I don't think I have a claim on her…"  But he said it softly. "You really do."  She stated it emphatically. "You know CJ…"  He took a deep breath, "My thing with Donna works for me and up until an hour ago it worked for her too." "Well apparently it's not working for Donna anymore."   CJ sounded oddly triumphant. "Are you jealous CJ?"  He looked at her inquisitively. CJ looked taken a back for a minute, "What?  That's ridiculous.  What do you mean?" "Because you don't have a Donna?" "You think I want a Donna?"  CJ stifled a mirthless laugh.