Author: Liza C. Wanted: One Hero. Rumpled, Rusty Armor Okay Beta-ed by Kim A sequel to Wanted: One Hero. Horse Optional Josh wiped the sweaty palm of his left hand on his pants as he walked from one end of CJ's office to the other.  If someone were not generous, they might call him on being visibly edgy and engaging in what could only be classified as nervous pacing. "Are you pacing?"  CJ squinted at him in question. "What?"  He paused to look up at CJ's quizzical expression and ran his right hand roughly through his hair. "And are those beads of perspiration on your brow? Why are you in my office sweating and pacing?"   Without answering, he resumed his back-and-forth motion across her office while wiping his forehead with his sleeve. "Josh?"  CJ prodded after another minute. "What?"  He asked absentmindedly. "What? What do you mean, ‘what?’  What are you doing in my office?  You come in, say you need to tell me something, and then proceed to spend the last five minutes skittering back and forth across my very small office like a turkey on the day before Thanksgiving. And, I might add, I know this because I've had turkeys in my office on the day before Thanksgiving; although, frankly, they perspired less than you. Thank goodness." Once again he raked his hand through his hair.  Several errant clumps were now pointed haphazardly in opposing directions. With one final deep breath, he gathered his courage and looked her in the eye. "There's something you need to know.  Something I've just come to terms with. Something I've hid for a long time, and I can't do it anymore.  And maybe I need some advice about how to deal with it.  And I need to know how you think people are going to take it."  Josh inhaled sharply; he hadn't breathed once as he let it all come streaming out. Her mouth hanging slightly open, CJ stared at him in slack-jawed shock for a moment before speaking. "Oh my God. You're gay."  She slumped back in her chair.  "You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not shocked.  I probably should have suspected.  Your track record with women… your…"  She searched her memory for evidence as Josh stared at her with a completely dumbfounded look on his face.  "The way you… um, no, your track record with relationships is pretty much all I got.  I mean, look at you…"  She waved her hand at his hopelessly rumpled suit. "You don't even come close to being classified as a metrosexual, let alone-" "CJ!"  Josh interrupted sharply, finally locating his voice. "Yeah?"   His eye twitched.  "I'm not gay!" "You're not?"  CJ appeared puzzled. "No!" "You say that so emphatically… as if there's something wrong with being gay."  Now she was just screwing with him.  Had he been less distracted, he probably would have realized this. "Huh?" "I'm just saying… you're a liberal.  I expect you to be more accepting of alternative life-styles.  I see you're one of those-" "That's not… I didn't mean… Can we please focus?"  He interrupted with an imploring tone. This was even harder than he'd anticipated.  And he'd anticipated that it would be quite difficult.  "That isn't what I wanted to tell you… what I wanted to talk to you about." "It isn't?" "You know what?  This wasn't a good idea."  He started muttering to himself. "Toby. Yeah, Toby. He's sensitive and full of good advice about relationships.  I'll go talk to Toby."  Relieved by the temporary reprieve, even if that meant he hadn't accomplished what he'd set out to do, Josh started towards the door. "Wait," CJ choked out from her spot behind the desk. He turned and watched as she struggled not to succumb to her amusement.  "I'm sorry.  You can tell me."  Josh surveyed her suspiciously as she managed to screw her face into a sober expression. "Seriously, tell CJ all about it." He gave her one more appraising look before blurting, "I have feelings for Donna." CJ gulped and studied him for a moment before responding. This wasn't so funny anymore.  "What kind of feelings?" He took yet another deep breath.  This was it. He would get it all off his chest once and for all. A confession if you will… a cleansing. "You know." CJ pressed her lips together.  "No, Josh, I don't know.  I have no idea. I just spent the last few minutes planning your coming-out party.  You're going to have to walk me through it.  What kind of feelings?" He hesitated slightly, and his voice was low.  "Love feelings." "Love feelings?  Before I once again jump to conclusions, what do you mean by love feelings?" "What do you mean, what do I mean?"  Josh hadn't expected that.  He wasn't prepared to clarify. Wasn't 'love feelings' self-explanatory? Apparently, he'd done a much better job than he'd thought of hiding his feelings all these years. Actually, perhaps he shouldn't be surprised if other people didn't know how he felt. He'd managed to keep his feelings mostly hidden even from himself for the better part of six years.   "There are different types of love feelings."  She was matter-of-fact, but there was something slightly cloying in her demeanor. "I mean love feelings. Feelings of love." He was nonplussed, but still managed to state it emphatically. She narrowed her eyes in concentration. "There are different kinds of love.  Is it a love like Gilligan loves the Skipper, or like Joanie loves Chachi?"  She added with a smirk, "Or like Bert loves Ernie?" "Like Bert loves Ernie?!"  He asked heatedly.  "I swear to you, Claudia Jean, I am not gay."  He shook his head. "Second, I don’t know how Gilligan loves the Skipper, but I do know if one of is Gilligan and one of us is the Skipper, then Donna is Gilligan, and third, if Joanie and Chachi represent some weird ideal you have of romantic love… then I really think I need to be talking to Toby about this instead." "Answer the question." "I don't think I will." "Josh, answer the question. Or I tell Donna you called her your Gilligan." "You wouldn't." His jaw clenched involuntarily.  "You're the one that compared her… never mind," he sighed. Sinking down onto one of CJ's guest chairs, he buried his hands in his face, which made his response, when he finally mumbled it, unintelligible.   "I didn't hear you?"  CJ looked at him expectantly from her command post behind the desk. He raised his head. "Joanie loves Chachi.  Are you happy?  It's a Joanie-loves-Chachi type of love feeling." "Oh."  Even though CJ knew that was the answer, she was still mildly surprised.  She'd suspected that she'd miscalculated his feelings for Donna, ever since he’d raced out of the Oval Office to go to her when she was injured.  That suspicion was only compounded when, several weeks back, she spoke to Donna about their time in Germany.  Even though CJ knew Josh had always cared for Donna, she never thought he'd come around, step up and actually admit it.  Apparently, the life-and-death situation had made an impact.  A genuine smile spread across her face.  "I'm really happy for you.   For both of you." Josh sighed with relief.  "You're not upset?" "No."  She said quickly.  "In the first couple of years it might have given us headaches, but now," she shrugged, "it shouldn't be a big deal." "Oh.  Okay, good.  Good, then.  That's great.  Really great."  He was up and doing the pacing thing again. "Josh?" "Hmm?"  He glanced at her. "Why are you pacing now?  You already told me.  You can relax." "Right."  He nodded once in agreement.  "Except…" "Except what?" "The thing is… I still have one more person to tell." "Leo?"  CJ cocked an eyebrow in question. "No…"  He drew out the word.  "That's not who I meant." "The President?" "Nnn uh." "Then who?"  Her forehead wrinkled in confusion. "Donna."  Her name left his lips, but his voice was barely audible. "What?" "Donna."  His cleared his throat nervously. "I still need to tell Donna." CJ stared at him blankly. "You haven't told Donna yet." "No." "What are you doin' telling me for?"  He just stared at her like a stunned dog, so she continued.  "I thought you were together.  You're not together… at all?" "Technically?"  He asked through a sheepish grimace and CJ shot him a barbed look in return.  "No," he admitted with a quick shake of his head. "So you're not *technically* together?" "Correct."  Josh looked relieved that she understood. "What in the hell does not-technically together mean?" Maybe she didn't understand.  "Well, we spend a lot of time together." "You've always spent a lot of time together," she pointed out. "True.  But this is different." "Now we're getting somewhere.  How is it different?" "We're spending time together outside of work." "She's still recovering and not even back at work yet.   Any time you spend with her right now is outside of work." "I guess you're right," Josh ceded.  It did sort of take the shine out of the whole crux of his ‘technically’ argument. "So why haven't you told her?"   He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He had no answer.  He wanted to tell her. More than anything, he wanted to tell Donna how he felt about her; hadn't wanted to do anything more since she'd returned from Germany. Hell, he'd tried on several occasions.  But every time he started gearing up to do it, something told him it wasn't the right time. Wasn't the right moment.  And it had to be the right moment; this was something he couldn't fumble. She watched him suspiciously before understanding dawned. "Ah, I see.  It appears you have a case of chickenshit-itis.  Very common.  Especially among the males of the species… particularly males over forty who have never committed." "It's not that," Josh defended with a glare. Trying to retain some dignity, he sat back down and busied himself by picking a piece of lint off the sleeve of his shirt. "It's not chickenshit-itis?"   "No, I'm pretty sure it is that. But I'm not afraid of the commitment."  He met her eye again. CJ rounded her desk and made a show of touching his forehead with the back of her hand.   "What are you doing?" "It doesn’t feel like you have a fever." He brushed her hand away. "I'm serious.  It's not a fear- of-commitment thing." "Then what is it?"  Her voice was earnest as she leaned against the front of her desk and looked down at him. "It's taking a complicated six-and-a-half-year relationship and potentially turning it romantic, risking my best friend in the process. It's the fact that she still works for me and that I really don't know how she feels and don't want to put any inappropriate pressure on her.  It's that she's recovering from horrible injuries, both physically and emotionally.  It's that she counts on me right now, for a lot of things, and I don’t want to prey on her while she's recovering and vulnerable and is dependent on me in any way."  Josh sat back, slightly stunned by his own tirade.  Until that moment he hadn't really articulated, even to himself, why he was so reticent to tell Donna how he felt. CJ swallowed the lump in her throat and gave him a heartfelt look after nodding at him several times. "Oh, God, you're not going to tear up or something equally horrifying, are you?" "No, but that was really sweet.  You know, you're okay, Josh Lyman." "CJ…" He protested. "Listen, I'd sworn off giving advice that had anything to do with you and/or Donna, but I'm going to make an exception… we'll say it's sort of a make-good to off-set some bad advice I might have given Donna awhile back." Josh's ears perked up and his already overactive mind went into overdrive.  "Bad advice?  What kind of bad advice did you give Donna?" "Never mind."  CJ plastered on a smile.  She hadn't meant to mention the bad advice.  The last thing she needed was for Josh to know that Donna was acting on her guidance when she had the fling in Gaza. "CJ?"  His curiosity was peaked now.  And Josh wasn't really known for letting things go. She sighed with exaggerated exasperation.  "I'll either give you good advice about your current situation with Donna or tell you about the bad advice I gave her, but not both.  Pick." He hesitated for only a second.  "Good advice."  He could always get Donna to spill on the bad advice later. "Okay.  First, it's been almost two months since the attack and she seems to be steadily improving; in fact, she's coming back to work soon.  She counts on you, but she's not dependent on you.  Her mother is still here and she has lots of friends.  I think it's admirable that you don't want to pressure her in the current situation, but I really don't think that's what you would be doing if you told her how you felt. And the work thing can be dealt with.  Are you really willing to let that be your excuse anymore?" Josh shook his head at her as he slowly let her arguments sink in. It was a luxury for someone to make his case for him, especially for a task he knew he was going to do, no matter what. "Second, regarding the six-and-a-half-year thing… all I can say to that is, don't you think it's about damn time?"   "I do."  CJ looked at him questioningly, so he continued. "I really do, but if she doesn't feel the same way… I don’ t know if I could stand to lose everything…" "If best friends can't get past a little thing like one best friend telling the other he loves her, then what kind of best friends are they?" She shrugged at him.  "Do you really think Donna is the type of person who would kick you out of her life because you told her you love her… even if she doesn't return your feelings?"   "No… no, she's not."  That insight suddenly made him feel a heck of a lot better. She smiled indulgently at him. "Although, my gut tells me that you really don't need to worry about that." "I'm not so sure."  He rubbed his eyes roughly.  "You don't understand.  I wasn't the only guy at her bedside in Germany." CJ bit her lip and decided to play dumb.  "Really?" "Yeah.  And I don’t know.  I don't think anything is still going on.  But obviously something happened with this guy on the Codel." She knit her eyebrows together in confusion.  "Josh, you and Donna didn't have an understanding, did you? Before she went?" "No."   "She was just your assistant?"   He nodded before adding, "And my friend." "Well, then, she was free to do whatever she pleased." "I know," Josh said quickly.  "It's just that there was a time that I thought…" "You thought what?" "I don’t know. I thought we had a thing." Josh mumbled almost shyly, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. "A thing?  Is your definition of a 'thing' you strutting around the West Wing bellowing her name, while doing nothing that might rock the boat of your comfortable set- up?" He looked stung.  Of course, he'd come to the same realization in the last two months, but it sure didn't feel good to hear someone else say it. CJ suddenly felt bad for her obviously love-sick friend and decided to throw him a bone. "I talked to Donna several weeks ago. She told me everything." "Everything?"  His eyes went wide. She smiled apologetically. "Yeah." "She told you all about…" "Yes." His face fell.  If she'd told CJ all about him, then perhaps it'd meant more to her than he had hoped it'd meant.   He didn't want to let himself think about the possibility that it wasn't over.  It seemed like it was over… or at least, she hadn't mentioned him.  But he also accepted that he probably wouldn't be her first choice of confidant when it came to this particular subject.   "Josh, what are you worried about?  Of course you've both had other relationships.  What's the big deal?" "The thing is… this guy… some might say he had a whole dangerous, charming, too-good-to-be-true thing going on that women probably find sexy." "You're thinking you can't compete with that?"  CJ asked with a sarcastic laugh. He glared at her, but all he responded with was, "I don't know.  I'm not exactly your text-book romantic hero.   First of all, I don't have enough hair." "Huh?" "Those guys, on the back of those books.  They're all with the long flowing hair." "You want long hair?" "No." "Donna wants you to have long hair?" "No.  At least I don’t think so…" "Thank goodness because you with long hair… I see a really bad Michael Bolton type thing happening. Not attractive." He grimaced.  "Look, you're missing the point.   The point is-" CJ interrupted, "If Donna wanted sexy, charming, and dangerous, she probably wouldn't have been hanging around you in the first place.  She probably thinks smart is sexy." "Is that what she said?"  Josh was curious.  Curious enough, in fact, that he forgot to be offended by CJ's implication that he wasn't sexy or dangerous or charming. "Mostly she told me about how attentive you've been and how much she appreciates everything you've done for her here and in Germany." "Yeah?"  He perked up. "Feeding her Jello, dealing with her parents, sleeping by her bedside."  CJ quirked an eyebrow at him.  "Those things can be heroic." "She told you that?"  He smiled in spite of himself. "Acting jealous and territorial…"  CJ continued. "She said I was jealous and territorial?"  Josh cringed.   "Are you saying you weren't?" CJ's voice was pointed. "No, I was. I'm saying I was hoping she was too hopped up on morphine to notice." "Do you want my advice?" "Yes?"  His voice held more question than he'd intended. "Run, don't walk." "Huh?" "Right now. Go to her.  Tell her how you feel. If it's really a Joanie loves Chachi kind of love, then don't waste another minute.”   "We seriously are going to have to introduce you to something more current in terms of popular culture.   Can we use any other couple in the annals of history or fiction as an example?" "Like whom?" "I don't know… Romeo and Juliet?" "I don’t know how long it's been since you've read Shakespeare, but they die." "Right. Let's not use them, either.  Actually, I don’t want to compare how I feel to anyone else.   This is different.   This is special. This is me and Donna." "Yeah."  CJ nodded with agreement. He stared at her a second before a smile slowly curled his lips upwards.  "Run, don’t walk?" "Isn't that what you've already done once?" "Yeah… I guess it was," he answered thoughtfully. "You knew then what you needed to do.  What's stopping you now?" "Nothing." Suddenly, the answer was clear. He turned to go, but as he reached the door he looked back.   "Thanks, CJ." "You're welcome… now go." He disappeared through the door and jogged quickly down the hall and out of the West Wing.  Without giving thought to the fact that it was 11am on a Wednesday morning and he was scheduled for two meetings before lunch. The End.

W A N T E D : O N E H E R O R U M P L E D R U S T Y R U M P L E D A R M O R O K A Y

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